I enjoy movies. Especially ones where the antagonist remains concealed until the very end, the proverbial "who did it" movie. When Janna and I watch these films she can’t simply watch for entertainment sake, it becomes personal. From the opening scene her guess work begins, she is on task. Not being a big fan of this game, I tolerate her endless speculation and the triumphant manner in which she punches me and declares, “I told you!”
Never mind that there are only so many possibilities, she’s funny that way.
Similarly when it comes to spiritual intimacy there is a short list of culprits, those challenges which threaten our ability to experience God’s design for intimacy. The obvious being:
- The hectic nature of Westernized culture, “who has the time?”
- The awkwardness associated with something new, “In not knowing what to say or do, we feel weird”
- The presence of latent sins or distrust, "I’d rather not, it just feels fake”.
While these three are certainly possibilities, I 'd like to focus attention on a very unlikely threat - the desire to maintain our status quo. Things get comfortable, we hit our groove. Tasks are being accomplish, both spouses are generally happy, life moves on. Status quos vary from couple to couple; each couple has an intimacy plateau where they prefer to exist, a place that works for them. And once this level is established, we likely don't consider our marriages unless the norm is threatened.[i] In effect, “We have no complaints, she’s quiet and he seems content so let’s just keep things as is.”
Could there be something more? I think so. But like Esau, we run the danger of exchanging our heritage for immediate, temporal relief (Genesis 25:34). We exchange a host of possibilities for the familiar, for the comfortable. God's design is traded for soup.
I am convicted that the biblical precedent for God’s children is to crave unions that speak highly of the gospel, marriages that manifest His glory and establish His righteousness. To be sure, this marriage goes against the grain of our fleshly inclinations in that it is a joint pursuit into the heart of spiritual intimacy. Over the next 2-3 posts, envision with me what marriage might be like. I invite you to consider the possibilities of pursuing something infinitely more rewarding than a tension free, happy marriage.
Spiritual Intimacy within Marriage:
When discussing spiritual intimacy within marriage we often begin with more activity: prayer, biblical intake, church involvement, etc. In this, we inevitably create resolutions to do better, we start strong, fade off, and feel more guilt. Oh the madness of it all! Here is something I want you to consider, biblically grounded perceptions of our spouse is the base principle of spiritual intimacy within marriage. The foundational point of this connection isn’t necessarily a visible activity. Whether we realize it or not, each of us carry a dominant set of perceptions regarding our mate, perceptions that form our attitudes and behavior - from the abundance of our heart our mouth will speak, we will act.
Be mindful. God cares about our perceptions; we are to think about our spouse the way God thinks about them. In order to experience the freedom and fruit of spiritual intimacy, our perceptions must come under the authority of Scripture.[ii] Who among us isn’t susceptible to carnal, fleshly driven thought? Accordingly, let us seek God's favor and may His grace keep us from the bitterness, indifference, resentment, insecurities, and arrogance that can so easily color our perceptions.
Spend time searching the Scriptures, enter into discussions with your spouse, seek to discover what God’s word reveals. Meditate on what God says about your mate, what are His greatest desires for them? Accordingly, do your perceptions correspond with God’s thoughts; do your deepest desires and hopes for your spouse fall in line with God’s deepest plans for them? No matter the season of life, are we submitting our thoughts unto God's?
Grace and Peace
__________
[i] Too often couples arrive in my office seeking merely an immediate fix. Once their status quo is disrupted, they are quickly motivated to lessen the tension and restore marital harmony. Typically they’ve lived around the issue for some time, maybe even adapting their marital expectations, their status quo. This effort is adequately maintained until something occurs which gives them the motivation to seek help. Herein is the difficulty. Once the immediate crisis is attended to, once the all-consuming issues is alleviated we so easily settle back into our marital routines.
Certainly, God cares about behavior within marriage. He cares about communication, finances, sex, child rearing, spiritual exercise, and the like. And while there is ample reason to praise God when these issues are resolved, we must be careful not to drift back into our norms. The newly restored peace presents the ideal time to begin building into spiritual intimacy. Think with me, why do builders stop working in the middle of severe storms? Similarly spiritual intimacy is typically not going to be developed in the middle of a crisis. When challenges come, couples typically have spiritual connection or they don’t. They either draw from its power, or they can’t.
[ii] The following passages continue to reiterate the importance of how we view our spouse. And while God certainly cares about behavior within marriage, I contend that he is fundamentally concerned about our perceptions. Hear the implications for marriage, "in humility let each esteem others as better than himself". Peter tells husbands to, "live (with their wife) in an understanding way, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life" (Phil 2:3-5; I Peter 3:7).
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