Marital Intimacy, Part 4

coffee, brokenness, or both - the clock reads 1:30 am and penn’s oscar speech, merely 2 hours ago, echoes in my ears. on arguably western society’s largest stage, beauty remains bound by folly:

"I think that it is a good time for those who voted for the ban
against gay marriage to sit and reflect and anticipate their great shame and the shame in their grandchildren's eyes if they continue that way of support"

_________

the ignorance of my youth combined with raging hormones?
sean penn = one lucky man [1]
the Wisdom of the Ages combined with four children?
sean penn = lost man dead in sin, bound by the god of this age in whom abides all manner of hate and deceit.

His bride is again reminded of her error;
the fruit of her silence continues to fall fully ripe
where was she as the tide began to turn,
where was the voice of truth
when the gift was being raped in every dark alleyway,
where was the pillar of truth within the sexual revolution,
what were we ever doing?
as the envelope continues to be pushed
as societal mores continue to drift
as the propoganda marches on
shame will be in the grandchildren’s eyes,
only if the church remains entrenched in her silence

in my life time proposition 8 may or may not fall,
yet she must not become so distracted or angered by the masses
that the grassroots should burn before her eyes
she still sees half of her
heterosexual marriages end in divorce
she still loses her men to unrealistic women
engaged in unrealistic fantasy
she still loses her women to vain,
ill-informed notions of beauty
children of God,
herein is but one passage into biblical sexuality:
age with dignity
and be enraptured by that which is truly beautiful

our children are shaped by these homes, homes where there is but a faint whisper of God’s design, homes that embody but shadows of God’s design for intimacy

she must regain the pursuit of truth in all its facets
for in her silence, she condones the carnage
in her refusal to preach, model, and elevate biblical intimacy
she has implicitly opened the door to all manner of perversion:
heterosexual and homosexual alike.

i leave you with a passage of Scripture
we know God hates divorce
but within the scope of Malachi, a higher aim is discovered

“the Lord has been a witness between you
and the wife of your youth,
against whom you have acted treacherously though she is
your companion and your wife by covenant”

your companion and your wife by covenant…
God’s desire is more noble that merely “sticking it out” for these many years,
he desires that we honor our vows
and cultivate our companionship.
to remain in covenant for 30 years without addressing the issue of intimacy simply doesn’t capture the fullness of our calling.

by God's grace may we pursue intimacy within our marriages,
may we leave a legacy in that our family see the contours of marital intimacy,
that they intrinsically sense the counterfeits
that they chose the path of life, life in full abundance.

while there is much more that could be posted regarding spiritual intimacy and its implications for the relational, social, and sexual aspects of marriage I feel that I’ve possibly worn this topic out of late. Certainly, I will pick it up at some time in the future, but for now...

Grace and Peace
__________

[1] if you need a cultural reference point, mind you it is shameful but we are all ignorant at one point or another... http://estb.msn.com/i/4E/2FBE8FA354CB7996965EE765B65343.jpg

Marital Intimacy, Part 3

do I see as she is seen?
she was His before the first dawn
she was foreknown; determined to be known intimately
she will be securely held until she is triumphantly revealed
to sense the honor which she is due

do I see as she is seen?
one for whom He was stripped and beaten
one for whom the blood was spilt
one in whom His righteousness dwells
to sense the dignity He bestows

do I see as she is seen?
birthed by the Spirit, regenerated and renewed
gifted to magnify His name and renown
celebrated with choice wine and fattened calf
to sense His exceeding joy over her

do I see as she is seen?
His temple
His sister
His daughter
His warrior
His work
His ambassador
His vessel
His slave
heiress of His eternal kingdom
by grace, grant me eyes to see [1]

___________

Percentages escape me, but I’m fairly certain that every relational pain Janna and I have ever caused one another eventually comes down to respect. There have been times when I didn’t esteem her as a believing husband ought, I didn't allow my dominant perceptions of her to be ruled by Scripture. Our capacity for intimacy was crippled.

It all seems so impractical, theologically construed Pollyannaism – it won’t work in real life.

Maybe it seems so impractical, so foreign because we’re so unaccustomed to reordering our thoughts according to Scripture. Often my embittered, materialistic, self-protective perceptions dim the glorious possibilities of divine revelation. Who knows, maybe we lose sight of reordering our insides. Granted our minds are theologically trained, but is this truth being made evident in the core relationship of life – our marriage? It is no surprise that practical theology (a phrase I detest) exists solely because we’ve not allowed theology to discipline our day to day interactions within the created order.

You don’t know my spouse or our situation

Maybe not, but I’ve examined my own life and seen enough to know that we are infinitely capable of creating Springer-like drama. But no matter how murky the marriage may be, do not allow stress to dictate either the practicality or authority of Scripture. But they’ve done irreparable damage. Maybe, maybe not. Yet in either case, there are biblical mandates which dictate how we are to perceive the offending spouse.

Be sure of this, untamed and uninspired perceptions will create a status quo that chokes out God’s design for marriage. Meditate upon the word, capture the loose, unruly thoughts which ensnare our attitudes and actions. As an heir of His kingdom, grant your spouse respect and honor . Let God’s promised work lead us to cheer on their transformation, pray humbly for their faults, and nurture their gifts. Be wary of being the stumbling block, of pushing God’s timetable, of the endless ways we highlight their humanity. Receive and hold them with the dignity and delight that can only come through the strength and perspective of our Lord.

Grace and Peace

____________

[1] References are listed as they were ordered: Eph 1:4, Rom 8:29; Jn 10:28-29, Rom 8:19/Col 3:3, I Pet 2:21-25, 2 Cor 5:21, Jn 3, Titus 3:5, Eph 4:7-16, Lk 15:21-24, 2 Cor 6:16, Heb 2:11, Gal 4:6-7, Eph 6:10-11, Eph 2:10, 2 Cor 5:20, 2 Cor 4:7, Eph 6:6, Rom 8:17

Marital Intimacy, Part 2

I enjoy movies. Especially ones where the antagonist remains concealed until the very end, the proverbial "who did it" movie. When Janna and I watch these films she can’t simply watch for entertainment sake, it becomes personal. From the opening scene her guess work begins, she is on task. Not being a big fan of this game, I tolerate her endless speculation and the triumphant manner in which she punches me and declares, “I told you!”

Never mind that there are only so many possibilities, she’s funny that way.

Similarly when it comes to spiritual intimacy there is a short list of culprits, those challenges which threaten our ability to experience God’s design for intimacy. The obvious being:

1. The hectic nature of Westernized culture, “who has the time?”


2. The awkwardness associated with something new, “In not knowing what to say or do, we feel weird”


3. The presence of latent sins or distrust, "I’d rather not, it just feels fake”.

While these three are certainly possibilities, I 'd like to focus attention on a very unlikely threat - the desire to maintain our status quo. Things get comfortable, we hit our groove. Tasks are being accomplish, both spouses are generally happy, life moves on. Status quos vary from couple to couple; each couple has an intimacy plateau where they prefer to exist, a place that works for them. And once this level is established, we likely don't consider our marriages unless the norm is threatened.[i] In effect, “We have no complaints, she’s quiet and he seems content so let’s just keep things as is.”

Could there be something more? I think so. But like Esau, we run the danger of exchanging our heritage for immediate, temporal relief (Genesis 25:34). We exchange a host of possibilities for the familiar, for the comfortable. God's design is traded for soup.

I am convicted that the biblical precedent for God’s children is to crave unions that speak highly of the gospel, marriages that manifest His glory and establish His righteousness. To be sure, this marriage goes against the grain of our fleshly inclinations in that it is a joint pursuit into the heart of spiritual intimacy. Over the next 2-3 posts, envision with me what marriage might be like. I invite you to consider the possibilities of pursuing something infinitely more rewarding than a tension free, happy marriage.

Spiritual Intimacy within Marriage:

When discussing spiritual intimacy within marriage we often begin with more activity: prayer, biblical intake, church involvement, etc. In this, we inevitably create resolutions to do better, we start strong, fade off, and feel more guilt. Oh the madness of it all! Here is something I want you to consider, biblically grounded perceptions of our spouse is the base principle of spiritual intimacy within marriage. The foundational point of this connection isn’t necessarily a visible activity. Whether we realize it or not, each of us carry a dominant set of perceptions regarding our mate, perceptions that form our attitudes and behavior - from the abundance of our heart our mouth will speak, we will act.

Be mindful. God cares about our perceptions; we are to think about our spouse the way God thinks about them. In order to experience the freedom and fruit of spiritual intimacy, our perceptions must come under the authority of Scripture.[ii] Who among us isn’t susceptible to carnal, fleshly driven thought? Accordingly, let us seek God's favor and may His grace keep us from the bitterness, indifference, resentment, insecurities, and arrogance that can so easily color our perceptions.

Spend time searching the Scriptures, enter into discussions with your spouse, seek to discover what God’s word reveals. Meditate on what God says about your mate, what are His greatest desires for them? Accordingly, do your perceptions correspond with God’s thoughts; do your deepest desires and hopes for your spouse fall in line with God’s deepest plans for them? No matter the season of life, are we submitting our thoughts unto God's?

Grace and Peace

__________

[i] Too often couples arrive in my office seeking merely an immediate fix. Once their status quo is disrupted, they are quickly motivated to lessen the tension and restore marital harmony. Typically they’ve lived around the issue for some time, maybe even adapting their marital expectations, their status quo. This effort is adequately maintained until something occurs which gives them the motivation to seek help. Herein is the difficulty. Once the immediate crisis is attended to, once the all-consuming issues is alleviated we so easily settle back into our marital routines.

Certainly, God cares about behavior within marriage. He cares about communication, finances, sex, child rearing, spiritual exercise, and the like. And while there is ample reason to praise God when these issues are resolved, we must be careful not to drift back into our norms. The newly restored peace presents the ideal time to begin building into spiritual intimacy. Think with me, why do builders stop working in the middle of severe storms? Similarly spiritual intimacy is typically not going to be developed in the middle of a crisis. When challenges come, couples typically have spiritual connection or they don’t. They either draw from its power, or they can’t.

[ii] The following passages continue to reiterate the importance of how we view our spouse. And while God certainly cares about behavior within marriage, I contend that he is fundamentally concerned about our perceptions. Hear the implications for marriage, "in humility let each esteem others as better than himself". Peter tells husbands to, "live (with their wife) in an understanding way, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life" (Phil 2:3-5; I Peter 3:7).

Marital Intimacy, Part 1

Marital Intimacy. Ask the next ten people you talk with for a definition and see what they say. Chances are, they will likely dance around the subject of sex. And sadly enough, by confining the topic to the bedroom, we often follow social cues and norms. Unintentionally the church, as the pillar and support of truth, has diminished this multi-faceted gift.

But on this day, this day we sink roughly 16 billion into celebrating passion, I ask you to take time with your spouse and revisit the issue of marital intimacy. In order to help guide your discussion, I suggest that the initial focus be on the topic of spiritual intimacy within the context of marriage.

Certainly, there are various types of intimacy centering around the relational, social, and sexual aspects of life, yet it is this spiritual component that will inevitably color all others. So, what is spiritual intimacy within marriage? Where do we begin? What types of actions or attitude will be evident? How do we grow in spiritual intimacy? What if my mate is stuck? What if I think my mate is stuck, but I'm the real problem?

Open dialogue with your spouse, be willing to share your thoughts and stories with us, and may we all be open to God's design for our mariage.

And just for fun, go ahead and ask the next telemarkerter to define "intimacy". You might be surprised...

Jaden Douglas!

Daddy, Judah's not listening to God.

Is God talking to Judah?

Yeah.

What's God saying to him?

Give me your Transformer.

So, God wants Judah's Transformer?

Yeah.

So whats God gonna do with Judah's Transformer?

He's wants me to have it.
___________

From the mouth of a four year old, “Thus saith the Lord”.

Having a wide array of appeals, rebuttals, and closing arguments, Jaden’s conniving can be as creative as it is convincing but his appeal to the Divine Authority made my day. As with most kids his age he has a pension for challenging authority, being regularly reminded of the “chain of command”: God, Daddy & Mommy, and the four boys…

“But Daddy, can I be in charge after you and Mommy?”

Relentless

Certainly his words bring a smile, but they got me thinking. Who could blame the boy in claiming divine sanction for self-centered gain? It is a brilliant tactic. For if in fact the Almighty did request Optimus Prime, who should stand in his way? Oh, you scheming little son of mine.

Of course as an adult I readily embrace the chain of command, being quite positive that I have never stooped this low....you know better. We've all known the subtle temptation to break rank, the ease in which our self-determined actions can feel so right, so god-centered. Who among us hasn't at some point declared, "God wants Judah's Transformer." God has sanctioned many an activity: questionable marriages, switching churches, the castigation of family members, changing neighborhoods, on an on it goes. The list is potentially endless, in that our desire for autonomy is never ending.

But the question for the moment, how do we know? How can we tell when we've crossed the line, when we are in fact using god's leading to sanction our selfish desires? Weigh in, share your thoughts and expereinces and get your hands off my Transformer!

Grace and Peace